YOUR SHORT FILM SUCKS — BUT by R.A. Johnson

HERE ARE THE BEST SHORT FILM FESTIVAL DEADLINES

still accepting your shitty films midway through 2018, for those of you like me, with no-name actors, no money and a desperate squad of burnt-out artistic friends that now leave you on read for all the favors you've cashed in for your proof of concept short film that Hollywood is DYING to purchase from you the moment you publish it to YOUTUBE.

Read: your film isn't shitty, but you (we) have your (our) work cut out for you (us). Isn't it cute and clunky how I did that? No? I didn't think so either, but I'm not deleting it. Sorry not sorry. Hashtag blah blah. Yes, it's easier than ever to make a film via cheap and state of the art technologies available at the touch of an iPhone screen (y'all best not be on the Samsung shit or there's no hope for you ever) and the swipe of the credit card meant for your film school tuition debts and a plethora of viral platforms to premiere into the abyss, but all that just means there are more of us wanna-be mother fuckers out here trying to make a dollar outta fifteen cents. And no that's not a Cardi B reference you insta-educated, world star worshipping, pop-culture saturated sleepers, it simply means competition is fierce. And now Hollywood is even going indie to compete with themselves and the major tent-poles that most theaters are now exclusively hosting due to most couch-potato families streaming their movies in-home, or all y'all meme-minded freaks out there only Netflix and Chillin' cuz girls now a days are bouncing around more than us guys, because there are fewer and fewer chivalrous gentlemen out there ready to open a door and write a sensual poem, but then again, all y'all thiq chix out there only hashtag relationship goals are Cardi B lyrics and only care about a guy gettin' you lit, so it's a vicious circle. 

Read: your friends are so lit & lovely for helping you make your film and they are sick-talented, so buy them a gluten free, alcohol free beer and a steak-shaped tofu turd; Read also: don't publish to YOUTUBE, use Vimeo like the rest of us amateur-professionals. And Short of The Week. And simultaneously submit to these "A-minus list" festivals that are pulsating with your filmmaking destiny, that will erupt into immediate representation for you as a writer, so you and your on-again off-again girlfriend who's way hotter than you that's been imagining you as a superstar HollyWOOD director in bed instead of the washed-up alcoholic pseudo-famous bartender that you really are, can break your lease in your overly expensive studio apartment, and fly first class getting wasted off of mini-gin and tonics directly to LAX where they'll roll the red carpet out for you all the way up to the jet-way—is that a red carpet or just hipster Vape pen ash? Oh, well. You're rich and famous now, who gives a fuck. 

Fantasia International Film Festival : (Genre films)  May 2nd

Toronto International Film Festival : Regular May 4th; Late June 1st 

HollyShorts Film Festival : Late May 18th; Extended June 4th

Austin Film Festival : Late June 29th 2018

Top 50 Film Festivals of 2017 : Full list, included LBGT, African-American, Women-led, Student, Full Feature, International, Documentary and Screenwriter friendly/focused.

The YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT list:

You're a horrible writer—unless you be peeping' GITS on the daily.

Not even in your wildest Tinder profile bio are you a dope director or cinematographer unless you be Hotline Blingin on the nightly with ur curvy down-for-whateva side chic      Nofi L'Ms Chool.

My shitty proof of concept, Zara The Last Star Goddess, a female-led dark fantasy in the vein of Harry Potter meets Guardians of the Galaxy will be here very soon (you'll love it, it has no-name actors and I made it for 2k, and it's sci-fi)—if my shitty flaky art friends will ever hurry the hell up with post production; for HOVA's sake, I'm paying them hundreds of nothing.

LMK if you fuckers have anything to add. 

Peace, love and broken tripod legs.

Drop out of film school and go into the story by R.A. Johnson

I'm only halfway joking. If you're not familiar with Go Into The Story — the official blog of script hosting site The Blacklist — do yourself a solid, and check it out now: click here. Scott Myers' blog will literally save you $80k in student loans for an MFA.That is, if your main focus is as a screenwriter. Or, even a director. 

Seriously. Go check out the site. Fall into a wormhole of wisdom from the wealth of insider information provided on the daily. But be sure to come back to this post, because I am compiling every site and resources I use to be a successful filmmaker and writer.

I'll see your smarter self upon your return :)